I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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