I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
