yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
