it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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