I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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