I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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