the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
