When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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