All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
