If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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