After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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