I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we're so committed to being not committed
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