Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
