the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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