If that was your dad, he is hot
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
