Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
