I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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