How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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