Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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