Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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