Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
