my sisters under your porch take her home
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
