where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
