I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
