Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
