At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
