drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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