Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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