I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There are leaves in my underwear?
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