Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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