I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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