thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
