Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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