ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
