Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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