You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
