I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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