I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
