Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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