can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
