i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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