I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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