I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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