Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
