Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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