i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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