My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
