I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
false alarm, still single
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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