Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
