i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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