I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize