Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
