yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
