I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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