And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
