Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Vodka?
Forever.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize