And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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