Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
