She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
