We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize