god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
