How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize