can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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