dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
